


Better in the Mourning

by CaffeinatedFlumadiddle



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: #LetMerlinHaveEmotions, Also knight characterization, Angst, Bonding, Canon Compliant, Character building, Five Stages of Grief, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Healing, Hopeful Ending, Lancelot deserved better, Merlin gets to grieve for once, Missing Scene, Swearing, The knights are really good friends, looking after your friends is important, more like Five Knights of Grief lol, sorry this isn't a humorous fic my bad, we should assume literally anything I write has swearing at this point
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-05
Updated: 2020-04-05
Packaged: 2021-02-28 23:01:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,904
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23255137
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CaffeinatedFlumadiddle/pseuds/CaffeinatedFlumadiddle
Summary: Merlin mourns Lancelot's death. The rest of the knights help out. (AKA Merlin gets to take advantage of not having to keep a dead loved one a secret and gets some goddamn support in this castle)
Relationships: Knights of the Round Table & Merlin (Merlin), Lancelot & Merlin (Merlin), Merlin/Arthur Pendragon (Merlin), hints of
Comments: 45
Kudos: 1433
Collections: Fics I read in 2020 ATiredArtist





	Better in the Mourning

**Author's Note:**

> Quarantine has been hindering my humor so I decided to write something sad lol

**Denial**

It was cruel. Awful and nasty and just… Brutal to even watch.

Gwaine tried to catch Arthur’s attention – to ask him why the _Hell_ he was humoring this only to find the prince staring blankly at Lancelot’s horse before slowly walking over to put a hand on its neck. Great. Princess seemed to be dealing with this in his own way then. That would mean the hard part of this would be left to him.

“Merlin,” He called, stepping over stones and wayward debris to where Merlin was running a hand through his hair. “Merlin, we need to leave.” He said, softening his voice as much as he could. Leon and Percival both paused in their own movements – having been half-heartedly following Merlin while Elyan silently gathered their supplies.

“What?” Merlin asked, whipping around. He looked genuinely baffled by Gwaine’s suggestion as his brows came together before a hint of panic followed. “We can’t leave yet. Lancelot could still-”

“The veil is closed, Merlin.” Gwaine said and reached out to put a hand on his arm “And Lancelot isn’t here. I think you know why that is.”

“ _Gwaine.”_ Leon hissed lowly, but he ignored him. Merlin wasn’t as delicate as the others seemed to think. The man was the sole survivor of a dorocha after all. He wasn’t sure why they were treating him like glass. He could take the truth.

“I… He went into the veil. I saw him.” Merlin said slowly and Gwaine nodded. Merlin had been the only one conscious when the rest had woken. It hadn’t taken them long to figure out what happened but… Nobody had exactly stopped Merlin from looking for Lancelot. “But it doesn’t make sense,” Merlin continued “The veil wouldn’t have… It doesn’t make sense.”

“Why doesn’t it make sense?” Gwaine asked. Percival shifted nervously as he walked over, eyes flicking Merlin up and down. A few seconds of silence followed in which Merlin clearly was trying to find a strand of logic in which Lancelot could still be alive.

“We have to at least _look_ for him.” He said finally and gestured around with an air of desperation “It might have been a trick. It was probably just a test to see if one of us would really sacrifice ourselves. That happened once with Arthur. Right?” He asked and Gwaine almost jumped when Arthur himself sighed. It appeared he was done talking to the horse and decided to finally fucking help.

A smaller, more reasonable voice said that Arthur had every right to mourn his knight, but Gwaine would adamantly ignore it. He wasn’t blind. He could see the rift Lancelot had served for Arthur. Between him and Gwen. Between him and Merlin too. The prince was sorry Lancelot was dead, surely, but he was also human… And Gwaine would be willing to bet there was probably the smallest hint of relief amongst all the grief Arthur was carrying.

Merlin on the other hand…

“Remember? At the beach with the poison you drank? It was just a sleeping draft and you were fine. This is probably the same.” Merlin argued stubbornly.

“I don’t think this is the same, Merlin.” Arthur finally said. On any other day, Gwaine would _love_ to hear more context on whatever misadventure Merlin was referencing from a time long before Gwaine had known either of them… But Merlin’s expression made it hard to ask.

“I’m staying.” He said and spun around – to where, Gwaine had no idea. He had watched the man scour every inch of the ruins in hopes for some sign of the knight. Leon made a sharp noise at the back of his throat, gesturing in alarm at Merlin’s back.

“We can’t humor him forever.” He whispered and Gwaine felt his irritation rise.

“Then _don’t_.” He snapped back “He needs to mourn. He can’t do that if you let him think Lancelot is alive.” He said, fighting to keep his voice low. “This is cruel.”

“You do it then!” Elyan’s voice threw back, appearing behind Arthur. Gwaine flinched. “Go on. Tell him to his face that Lance is dead.” He whispered. Ugh. Cowards. Gwaine glanced at Arthur, silently hoping princess might save the day and put everyone out of their misery. Arthur only stood silently, seemingly lost in his own musings to be particularly helpful.

Right. This should be fun.

Wishing he had about a thousand drinks to prepare him for this, he shook his head in disgust before pushing Leon out of the way. Merlin was still walking around – seemingly at loss with what he should be doing.

“Lancelot?” He asked, whipping around when Gwaine’s foot stepped on a wayward branch. There was a brief moment of hope that flashed over his eyes before taking in Gwaine’s features and grimacing.

“Don’t pout, I’m still pretty handsome.” He said lightly. Merlin didn’t smile. That was probably fair. Gwaine walked over and grabbed either side of his shoulders. There was a second where neither of them said anything before Gwaine decided to force them both to move on. “He’s gone, Merlin. We can’t keep looking.”

“We don’t _know_ tha-”

“Yes. We do.” Gwaine interrupted “And I know – we _all_ know how close you two were.” He said. This was undoubtedly true. Most of Arthur’s more trusted knights were friends with Merlin. Hell, many gave Merlin the credit of getting them the position to begin with, but there was something different about Lancelot and Merlin’s friendship. Gwaine figured it was probably romantic… Except, well, Lancelot’s eyes lingered a little too longer on Gwen and Merlin’s loyalty to Arthur really, _really_ stretched the word ‘friendship’ to about as far as one could take it.

“Merlin, I know… This won’t be easy, but we’ll help. I’ll help.” He rectified because Arthur had the emotional capability of a fish. “If you want to drink until you can’t remember it then you know I’m down. If you want to… Cry for hours on end I can get Arthur to leave you alone for a few days. Hey – if you want to just bother Arthur we can do that too. I’ll put worms in his food and we can both go to the stocks. I don’t know. Whatever you want… But you have to know that he’s gone, Merlin.” He said, squeezing his arms. Merlin bit his lip.

“He could-”

“Merlin.” Gwaine interrupted softly. He shook his head and this seemed to do the trick because a flash of defeat crossed the other man’s eyes before his shoulder’s slumped. It was only there for a moment. A second, really, before any residual emotion left his face.

“I should get the horses ready.” He said and shrugged Gwaine off.

“Elyan already-”

“He mixes up the saddles,” Merlin dismissed “Thank you, Gwaine.” He added. Gwaine stood frozen, trying to completely process what was happening. The others were watching Merlin warily as he marched back and set to work once more. Saying nothing. Reacting to nothing. Gwaine wasn’t sure if this was better or worse. He supposed they could at least leave now… That was something.

“Is…um, he…?” Leon frowned when Gwaine walked back “He did a one-eighty on us.” He whispered. Merlin was eerily efficient. When things were a bit happier Gwaine decided it would be fun to point out that Merlin could do his job quite well and that clearly most of his ‘uselessness’ was solely to piss off Arthur.

“People mourn differently.” Gwaine shrugged and ran a hand over his face “For example, I’m going to ride back and drink until I can also join Lancelot in death.” He muttered darkly. Leon hit his arm with a scolding glare. “I know. No time for my dark humor.” Gwaine sighed. “Don’t bother him right now… Let him work through it.” He advised and patted the man’s arm to start helping his friend.

* * *

**Anger**

Lancelot… Was dead.

And while Arthur was conflicted with a variety of emotions ranging from guilt – horrible, awful, terrible guilt because it should have been him, it should have been him, it _should have been him_ – to dread (Gwen would be devastated and how could she even look at Arthur knowing it should have been him?) to outright ruin because despite it all Lancelot was his _friend_ … They all seemed strangely muted in the wake of worry over Merlin’s newly silent attitude.

After all, Merlin was an emotional person. He laughed a lot and had a bit of a temper and got sad ridiculously easy. So, this new stony silence was… Concerning. He had seen it before, of course. Merlin would always come into work sad for unknown reasons but Arthur figured that was over smaller things and not a loved one’s death. As it was, Arthur was a little worried because there was a very real chance that Merlin hated him. His best friend was dead and _it should have been Arthur._

And now Arthur was apparently supposed to do something about it. At least according to Gwaine’s icy looks he was. He wasn’t entirely sure what. He didn’t think he was a particularly comforting person… In fact… Fuck.

What was it that he had told Merlin last time someone died? ‘No man is worth your tears’?

Fan-freaking-tastic. He truly hoped that Merlin didn’t extend his words to this moment. Lancelot was a completely different case than a random dragonlord they had known for two days.

Alright… Maybe this _was_ his responsibility.

He waited until they had stopped to rest for the night. Most of the others were already helping set up camp, clearly doing whatever they could to make Merlin’s job easier given the circumstances.

“Come on. We need firewood.” Arthur said, grabbing Merlin’s arm and leading him away when he tried to get Leon to stop unpacking the rolls because ‘That’s my job, don’t bother with it’. Leon, being the angel that he was, ignored him.

“I don’t need you to supervise me gathering sticks.” Merlin muttered as he yanked his arm out of the prince’s grasp. “I’ll be back in a few hours.”

Normally, Arthur would love to use the whole ‘well, he needs some space’ excuse to bounce out and _not_ talk about emotions… But they were in the middle of the woods with the sun setting and the last thing he needed was bandits snagging him. Merlin wasn’t observant to begin with. Add in the fact he just witnessed a death? Yeah, he probably wouldn’t notice if a bear was eating his leg off.

“I need a break from the others,” Arthur lied and tried to think of something else to say “And… I wanted to check and make sure that you were-”

“I’m fine.”

This wasn’t going to be easy, was it?

“You two were friends.” Was all Arthur offered. He planned to leave it at that, but Merlin seemed to stiffen at the sentence, fists clenching by his side so that a twig he was holding snapped in half.

“Yeah,” He said darkly “I thought so too.”

Arthur blinked. He wasn’t really sure what the protocol was here. His only experience with this had actually been with Leon when his sister died. And Morgana as well actually... And Morgana had been quite the ordeal. She had been ten when her father died and she was sent to live with them. Arthur remembered awkwardly shuffling around her as she fought his father with a sort of anger he hadn’t ever seen at eight-years-old. It was in the midst of her throwing a piece of pottery at the wall at Arthur had just sort of latched onto her and refused to let go until she calmed down. He couldn’t really do that with Merlin. They were both adults and… Well, Merlin also wasn’t Morgana.

“Thought so?” He inquired cautiously. Merlin shrugged. “What does that mean?” He pressed. Merlin’s jaw clenched and he grabbed a few most sticks. “Merlin-”

“It means he’s fucking selfish, isn’t he?” Merlin growled, throwing down the branches in his arm so they scattered on the ground with a thud. Arthur stared. That wasn’t really a word that came to mind when hearing someone died of a _sacrifice_. “We agreed. I _told_ him that it was going to be me.” Merlin seethed, venom lacing in his tone as Arthur felt his mouth dry. “And you know what? It should have been me! I had a right to choose that-”

“Funny,” Arthur interrupted, voice tightening at the realization – the _implication_ of it all. “I was just thinking the same thing. Maybe don’t be so quick to judge, Merlin. It sounds like I could have been saying the same about you.”

Normally, this sort of rebuke would have sent Merlin into a state of bashful apologies or muttered excuses. Not now. Merlin’s anger didn’t seem to even waver as his fixed Arthur with a cool glare before giving a sharp snort of laughter.

“You don’t know enough to make that call,” He said, a harsh callousness hidden behind the words. “He left me here _alone_. Knowing… He _knew_ …” Merlin said, clutching at air as if he might squeeze it. “It would have been easier for me to die. I was ready. You’ll be king soon enough – that means my job is almost done!” He managed, voice wavering between the short breaths. “Now what? I have to pretend again? Like I did with Will? Freya? My father?” He asked, voice rising higher and higher. “And what exactly am I supposed to do? I don’t have anyone that can help me anymore.” He laughed and Arthur winced at the hint of hysteria lying underneath. “I’m going to go _insane_ doing this alone.” He said, running a hand through his hair and yanking it slightly “Why would he do this to me? I don’t understand. He could… If it was me he would have still had the other knights and you and Gwen. I… I don’t…” He managed, voice trailing off “I was so caught up in making sure nobody betrayed you that I didn’t see he was going to do the same to me.” He finished, voice growing smaller towards the end. "He betrayed me." He added in a whisper. 

Arthur was going to be super honest.

He had no idea what Merlin was talking about. Not a goddamn clue… There were red flags flinging up left and right. He knew about Will… Wasn’t sure who Freya was and as far as he knew Merlin hadn’t met his father. None of that mattered at this moment though. Merlin was pacing, hands trembling slightly before he shoved them under his arms and Arthur inwardly sighed. He had never really figured out Merlin. He wasn’t sure he ever would.

But Lancelot did. Arthur wasn’t sure how exactly… The man was clearly superior to Arthur in most ways. All ways, perhaps. He thought back to when Lancelot first came to Camelot. It appeared he had managed to do in days what Arthur hadn’t been able to do in years. That stung.

“You don’t hate him.” Arthur said because he knew that much had to be true. Merlin scoffed, kicking the ground so leaves dirt flew up.

“I think I do right now.” He said quietly. Arthur pursed his lips. He tried to imagine if it _had_ been Merlin who had walked through the veil as he had hinted at. The thought of Arthur being knocked out only to awaken and realize he had been left alone without a say… That did seem like a betrayal. And maybe he should feel that way about Lancelot. Only, the more he heard Merlin talk… The less certain he was that Lancelot had sacrificed himself for Arthur at all.

“Okay,” Arthur finally agreed and Merlin’s eyes flicked up, startled. “I’m not going to ask any questions.” He added when a hint of wariness touched his eyes. “But let’s practice some controlled aggression.” 

Merlin stared at him blankly. Arthur waited.

“No, thank you.” He said bluntly and Arthur could have laughed when realization passed over his face. The last time Arthur demonstrated ‘controlled aggression’ was when he was punching a bag during Morgana’s brush towards a comatose death. Rolling his eyes, he picked up one of the fallen sticks and tossed it at him.

“Come on. I’ve been meaning to get you more into swordplay.” He told him, picking up a stick of his own. Merlin grimaced. “I promise your wimpy hits won’t hurt me.” He added for the sake of some normalcy.

He would never admit it (not even when Merlin made note of the bruises on Arthur’s arms and torso days later) but whenever he did manage to get a hit in… It had kind of hurt.

Lancelot should consider himself lucky that at the very least... Death allowed him to escape Merlin’s wrath. 

* * *

**Bargaining**

Out of all the knights, Leon knew he was probably Merlin’s least favorite.

Not that they had ever had anything other than friendly interactions! No, it was simply the fact that with the others there was more… Commonality. Merlin had brought most to Camelot or at least convinced them into staying. They had all served only Arthur while Leon had served both Uther and Arthur.

Merlin never voiced his dislike towards the king, but… Leon wasn’t stupid. He saw the way he looked at Uther. Leon had always worried the servant’s dislike extended to the knights that served him.

…which was what made this while scenario just that much more stressful.

"What are you doing?" He asked, letting the door snap shut behind him as he entered Gaius' chambers. Arthur had asked him to stop by after the funeral. Leon honestly wasn't sure why _he_ was chosen to go. He understood that Arthur probably couldn't be seen worrying over a servant... And that sending Gwaine might lead to alcohol poisoning... But _Leon?_ He wasn't who Merlin needed to see. Maybe he should get Gwen... Except, no. No, bad idea. She was mourning too.

"What?" Merlin asked and Leon had to fight back a sharp intake at how _bad_ he looked. Dark circles. Pale (well, paler) skin. Mused hair - where the Hell was Gaius? Wasn't he supposed to keep him from falling apart? Leon wasn't qualified for this. "I... Oh." He continued, looking down at the book in front of him. Leon peered at it, trying to decipher what the Hell this was. "Oh, I was just..." He trailed off "Nothing."

"Merlin." Leon sighed and reached out, sliding the book from across the table. He looked down at immediately recoiled when he read the first line of words.

"I... I thought that maybe there was a way to get him out. Of the veil. Maybe we could talk to the Cailleach and-"

"You know what this looks like, right?" Leon interrupted, trying to keep his voice as even and calm as he could. Merlin closed his eyes. Right. This was worse than Leon thought. Immediately, he closed the book shut, circling around the table to sit in a stool next to him. When Merlin's eyes reopened they were glistening slightly. Inwardly, Leon sighed before placing a hand on the side of his arm. "To re-open the veil or speak to the Cailleach would require magic."

Merlin didn't answer.

"Merlin, I know you wouldn't get involved in that sort of thing, but I do have to ask-"

"I'm not considering using magic to bring Lancelot back." Merlin snapped and then absently started picking at his lips, eyes falling to the book with consideration. "But, I mean, if there was something-"

"You can't carry on this way." Leon interrupted with a shake of his head "Merlin, please. This is how sorcery works. It uses pain to entrap the hearts of good men." He warned, squeezing his arm tightly. "You mustn't fall into it." He said and when he didn't get an immediate answer, stood up. Merlin watched him as he moved around the room silently, filling a kettle with water and moving aside various tonics in search for herbs.

"Are you making me tea?" Merlin finally asked.

"Um...Yes." Leon admitted and turned to give a weak smile. "I like to fix things. When I can't... Well, tea is the next best thing." He explained and a hint of a smile touched Merlin's lip. "I think you like to fix things too." He said, trying to sound casual as he went back to picking out a few leaves to dunk in the water. Merlin grimaced, tugging at a loose string on his tunic before giving a non-committal shrug.

"Only after I mess them up." He said quietly and now that the tea was brewing he turned back to give him a critical look. "I... After the dorocha, I told Lancelot I was going to sacrifice myself for Arthur. I knew that he planned on giving himself up at the Isle of the Blessed and I wanted to get back and take his place." He said, voice hitching. Leon stared. Arthur hadn't mentioned planning to sacrifice himself to any of them... Though it seemed obvious in hindsight. It also said something that _Merlin_ of all people knew. Leon found that he often marveled at the relationship between the prince and his servant... This just seemed to highlight how little he understood of it.

"Lancelot," Merlin continued "He told me... That he wondered if he could ever knowingly give up his life for something. I told him he had to have a reason. Something more important than anything." He managed and buried his face in his hands, speaking more to the table than to Leon. "I gave him that reason. I should have realized what he would do." He whispered and there was something absolutely _shattering_ at how his voice broke towards the end. "Maybe if I had-"

"Merlin." Leon interrupted quietly. "I don't think you need me to tell you this isn't your fault. You didn't open the veil." He said simply and Merlin stood up, taking over the duty of making tea. Leon watched him check it before pulling out of the fire and grabbing some cups. "Sometimes there is little we can do."

"But I _always_ am able to do something." Merlin said. There was a hyperness there. An unsettled twitch that Leon often saw in knights after their first battle. As if not moving means they've given up. "Always. I don't understand. I... Arthur is always fine. He's always in danger and always fine." He murmured "I can always fix it. Always." He said and poured the tea. "I don't know why I can’t fix this." He whispered.

Leon bit his lip. He should redirect the conversation before he floundered more. 

"What is this book exactly?" He asked, tapping the worn cover. Merlin swallowed, handing Leon the tea - well, more of shoving it towards him, really. He walked over to grab more herbs, absently sorting them as he glanced at the book in question.

"It's what Gaius uses to identify magical creatures and what not. I thought the Cailleach might be in there." He said and shook his head "It isn't illegal." He added. Leon wasn't really worried about that, but at least he was showing some awareness on the situation.

"Do you mind if I keep it for now?"

Merlin froze.

"Why?" He asked slowly and Leon got back up to place the herbs out of his hands and lead him back to the table, putting the abandoned cup of tea into his hands.

"Because there is nothing you can do," Leon told him - keeping his voice and level. "And I don't think looking at this all day will help-"

"If you're taking it away that means you think I can find something!"

"Did I ever tell you how my sister died?" Leon asked, completely ignoring the previous comment. For a moment, the outrage melted into surprise. Merlin probably wouldn't have even heard of Mary. It was a... Well, it wasn't a tale that was widely discussed in Camelot. "My family is quite old and renowned," Leon began, taking advantage of the shocked silence "I have brothers, many of which have scattered the lands in hopes to claim their own glory, but I had only one sister who was much beloved. It... Made her an easy target. After all, they must have known we would do or pay anything to get her back." Leon said and Merlin's lowered. "She was kidnapped. We payed the ransom. They asked for more. We gave them more. This... Went on for some time. Eventually they did give back the body." He said quietly and Merlin stiffened. "I wasn't a knight yet. I spent weeks - _months_ trying to find them."

"Did you?"

"Eventually. One by one. I killed them." Leon shrugged "Revenge didn't really work. Burying her didn't either. Neither did becoming a knight. Nor going on a hundred different quests. I kept looking for something to...Mend things. Or at least have the world make sense again. Arthur was the one who eventually snapped me out of it." He admitted and a look of confusion flickered over Merlin’s face before he wrinkled his nose.

"...he didn't make you practice controlled aggression, did he?" He asked and Leon rolled his eyes. He was all too familiar with his prince's ways of dealing with things. Poor Merlin seemed to be introduced as well.

"Not quite. He locked me in the dungeons."

" _What?"_ Merlin spluttered and Leon felt a stab of triumph at how every other emotion aside from horror seemed to leave him. "That's awful, Leon. I... I mean, I know Arthur can be a bit insensitive but not cruel-" He said and Leon laughed.

"It was...Unorthodox," He admitted "But to be fair, he did lock himself in the dungeons with me." He said and Merlin frowned.

"He what?"

"Oh, yes. His father wasn't pleased about it at all, but nobody could get him to leave. And what were they doing to do? Put him in another dungeon?" Leon shrugged. "We only stayed in there for a few days. It was really just a ploy to get me to stop doing things. As I said, hunting down Mary's killers hadn't worked. Neither did anything else I tried. So perhaps the solution was to do nothing until I willing to accept nothing I did would bring her back."

Merlin's jaw set. Leon knew it was a stereotypical thing to say... And it definitely wasn't what he wanted to hear. He watched the servant tap his fingers against the cup in his hands, staring silently at the table. Leon wasn't sure there was much else for him to do.

"I need to go out on patrol soon," Leon said slowly and Merlin nodded "Unless you, um... Would like me to stay?" He asked. His voice softened towards the end. He meant for it to be comforting, but Merlin stiffened.

"I'm fine." He said and Leon frowned.

"Are you sur-"

"I've done this before, Leon." Merlin said and pushed the tea away again. He watched as the other man got up, going back to the herbs to resume his sorting. "My best friend from Ealdor died. The girl I loved died. My father died. This isn't new." He continued. Leon raised his eyebrows. "I can handle this. At least this time it isn't just me." He said, murmuring the last part to himself. "And I... I just need to do what I usually do." He nodded. Leon waited.

"What do you usually do?" He asked after a couple minutes without any expansion upon those words. Merlin grimaced.

"I just... I have three days to be sad and then I need to move on." He said with a nod. Leon blinked. That seemed a little overly simplistic. "I can't be distracted. If I'm distracted then that just means more people could die so I really need to get over it. I'm not sure why it's harder this time." He rambled. Leon swallowed. He wasn't sure how to explain that his coping method was absolutely awful. He also didn't understand what he meant about _more_ people dying if he was distracted, but Leon liked to think he wasn't an idiot. He knew when to keep his questions to himself.

"I think you can take a bit more time... Arthur will understand." He said and pulled the book off of the table. Merlin's eyes followed it.

"You should go to your patrol." He said. Leon grimaced. It felt like it was becoming more and more clear that he absolutely should not.

"I can-"

"I have work to do." Merlin interrupted, effectively ending the conversation. Leon wanted to argue. Then he thought to Mary... Maybe it would be best to give him some time to himself. Just for now.

...Then he was sending Percival. Not that Percival was any more qualified for this than Leon was, but he had been Lancelot's friend for almost as long as Merlin. Perhaps he was the best person to sympathize with Merlin. Anyone would know better than Leon. 

Well, anyone outside of Uther.

* * *

**Depression**

Percival was not sure how appreciative he was of Leon practically punting him towards the physician's tower. His friend was dead, Arthur was a _mess_ over it, Gwen wouldn't stop crying, and he just wasn't sure he wanted to know the depths of despair Merlin had gone into.

"Merlin?" He whispered, letting the door creep open slowly. Gaius was by the fireside, tending to whatever he was cooking with a grimace in Percival's direction. The man didn't seem to need any context for the situation. He merely pointed at the door across the room. Right. Yeah. This was fine. Maybe Merlin was sleeping. He definitely needed some considering the servant survived literal death a mere three weeks ago.

Yeah, why was _nobody_ talking about this? Part of him wanted to ask how the Hell Merlin survived the dorocha... Part of him also knew now wasn't the time. Besides, he already had his theory. Merlin was about as bold and determined as the came. It wasn't entirely out of the question (in Percival's humble opinion) that the man lived out of pure defiance alone. God knows Arthur complained enough about his tenacity. There must be some benefit to it.

Creeping across the length of the tower, Percival offered Gaius a weak smile before slowly pushing open the door. It creaked loudly. Too loudly. Percival wasn't sure why he was trying to be quiet... Perhaps the somber mood called for it.

"Merlin?" He whispered and looked at the lump of blankets on the bed. "Hey." He said, fully entering. His head brushed against the door frame, causing him to duck as shuffled closer to the bed. "How are you?"

No answer. Maybe he really was asleep.

Or, well, he thought he was until the lump moved.

"Uh...Merlin?" He tried again and walked over. He was breathing. That was good. Slowly, Percival reached over and put a hand on his chest. He felt a heartbeat...Great news again. He wasn't dead... But also, he hadn't really moved much. "You okay, mate?" He whispered. Merlin's eyes flickered up, blinking slowly before looking away again.

"Hm."

"What does that mean?"

"Fine."

"Do you need food?"

"No."

"...water?"

"No."

"Should I get Gwaine?"

"No."

"Arthur?"

"No."

"Gaius." He decided and Merlin sighed.

"No." He said again and put an arm over his eyes. "Just tired. Get George to attend to Arthur." He managed. Percival pursed his lips. He wasn't sure what Merlin thought was going on. Arthur had been using George for a few weeks now. He sat down at the edge of the bed. "I'm sleeping." Merlin added as if that might get him to leave. Percival was no expert, but he wasn't sure that was the best option.

"When did you last eat?" He asked, Merlin shrugged. Right. Deciding that Merlin was not a reliable resource, he poked his head out of the room to look at where Gaius was still working."Has he been eating?" He asked. The physician grimaced.

"A little. Not as much as I would like." He sighed. Percival turned to look over his shoulder.

"You need to eat more." He informed Merlin. The lump muttered something that was too low for Percival to make out. "I'll get Arthur." He warned.

"Fine." Merlin said. Percival wasn't sure what that meant - fine, get Arthur or fine, I'll eat. Either way, it felt like a challenge. Percival got up to wander over to the cupboard back in Gaius' workshop. Huh. There wasn't much in here... Not surprising. Gaius tended to get too caught up in his work to remember to stock up on food and with Merlin the way he was... Well, he would just stop by the kitchens later to help them refill. He grabbed an apple and some bread.

"I'm coming back this afternoon. Please eat this." Percival informed him as he set the food down on the table next to Merlin.

"'kay." Merlin mumbled. This did not give him too much hope.

As expected, when Percival did return a few hours later both the apple and bread were still very much still there. Right. This was going to require some problem solving on his part. Percival looked at the food to where Merlin still hadn't moved... Well. If Gaius didn't have some science-based solution for getting Merlin back to normal than Percival was going to use his best logic. Walking over, he yanked the blankets off of the bed. Or blanket rather - was this really all he had? Along with more food he was also getting Merlin new blankets. No, maybe just a new bed. This thing was ridiculously tiny. And pillows. At least two.

"What are you doing?" Merlin asked, rolling over a bit to scowl at him. Percival ignored him, grabbing one of his arms and pulling him up.

"Come on."

"What? Why?" Merlin whined as he was forced out of the bed. Percival didn't answer - instead tugging him out of the room. He was dressed at least... Though to be fair, it didn't look as if he had changed out of his clothes in quite some time. "Percival, I'm _tired_." Merlin muttered and tried uselessly to yank his arm. It was a laughable quest really, considering Percival was twice his size. Still he gave a valiant effort as Percival led him down the stairs.

"Here." He said when they reached a window and sat him down. Merlin made a face. "We're going to eat here. Then you can go back to your room."

"I could have eaten in my room."

"But you didn't." Percival threw back. Merlin's eyes narrowed. Percival narrowed his own right back.

It became a daily thing for the next week. Percival dragging Merlin out to eat. They never talked, but he found Merlin didn't really want to anyways. Eventually Percival dragged him to do other things around the castle whether it be random chores, riding, just walking around - anything to keep him out of his room really.

"You're up." Percival said one morning when he walked in to find Merlin eating some porridge, a book sprawled on his lap. Merlin tilted his head.

"Yeah," He smiled weakly "Thanks for coming to get me, but I'm feeling a bit better. You don't have to drag me out today." He said. Percival considered. There were days where it was more of a fight to get Merlin out of bed than others... And days where he almost seemed to look forward to being dragged out of bed. Out of all of those days, this seemed the most promising. Still.

"I like spending time with you." He said and jerked his head. "You can bring the porridge. Let's go." He said. Merlin's smile this time was more genuine than anything Percival had seen on him in weeks.

* * *

**Acceptance**

Elyan honestly hadn't spent too much time with Merlin since Lancelot died.

It wasn't out of malice - Elyan knew their friend had been struggling. It was just... Gwen. His sister had taken his death hard and even if she hadn't asked for help, Elyan was going to spent all of his time ensuring she was okay.

However, she seemed to be doing okay now... Which meant it was time for him to dive into whatever depth of despair Merlin was currently in. Deciding it was best to come prepared, he armed himself with food and alcohol before heading down to the stables. According to Gaius, he was spending more time there. Elyan didn't blame him. The horses were better listeners than most people... And less annoying too.

"I heard that Arthur had a go at you," He said as he pushed himself inside, dumping the contents in his arms onto a pile of hay. Merlin didn't jump. He just glanced over at where he was grooming Arthur's stallion and gave a slight smile. "Thought I would bring medicine." He added and Merlin's smile widened.

"And I thought your generosity was exaggerated, Sir Elyan." He said, letting his hand fall away from the horse. "It wasn't that bad though. He means well."

"Gwaine said he was going to punch him."

"Don't let him do that," Merlin snorted and walked over to grab some bread from Elyan's hoard and break off a piece. "It honestly wasn't a big deal. He's gotten paranoid between Lancelot’s death and my brush with the dorocha. Apparently, I'm not allowed to leave the castle at night." He added, with a note of dryness towards the end. Elyan wondered briefly why Merlin was even trying to leave in the first place, but figured that wasn't the point of the conversation.

"So... He shouted at you?" Elyan snorted and leaned against the wall, watching Merlin carefully. "Doesn't seem very logical given that you're the one the dorocha almost killed." He reasoned, not bothering to mention Lancelot. That seemed implied either way. Merlin chuckled.

"He shouts at me over stupider things. You should have seen him when I first started working here," He said, wrinkling hise nose. "A _nightmare_. I thought Morgana was in trouble once and when it turned out I was wrong... He was _furious_ that I made him look like an idiot." Merlin clicked his tongue. Elyan pursed his lips. He had heard plenty of tales about Morgana and Arthur years ago. Merlin and Gwen had plenty of them. Even Leon might venture forth and give a tale or two. Still, it seemed so... Far fetched? Or just different than the Arthur and Morgana he had become familiar with over the years. He really only had the one good experience with Morgana before she went rogue and Arthur had always seemed kind and just to him.

"Between you and me, he can be the idiot." Elyan said. Merlin smiled again and Elyan felt a surge of relief at how easily it came. "You seem to be doing well. I was worried about how you'd be dealing with Lancelot." He told him, softening his voice as he marched into delicate territory. Merlin grabbed some mead, taking a long sip from the flask before licking his lips. It was actually the first time he'd seen Merlin drink. Despite Arthur's complaints that he was constantly in the tavern, Elyan had never seen him even touch any kind of spirit before.

"I'm not."

Oh. Well. Elyan regretted bringing the alcohol then.

"Sorry," Merlin laughed "That was a bit blunt. I _am_ doing better," He promised and gave a weak smile. "I just... Miss him, I guess." He sighed and ran a hand over his face. "And everyone else misses him too which makes it that much harder. How is Gwen?" He added as an afterthought. Elyan grimaced.

"She's okay now. I think she wants to see you." He added cautiously. Merlin winced.

"Yeah, I should have thought to see her sooner-"

"No, no!" Elyan cut him off "I just meant that if you're feeling up to it she would be okay with a visit. That's all." He said and Merlin shrugged, rubbing the back of his neck with a long sigh. "You... You do know you're like family to me, right? So if you need anything..." He began and Merlin's gaze flicked over to him with barely concealed surprise. "I know I haven't done the best with making it very clear, but... You looked after Gwen while I was gone. You helped her through our father's death and stood up for her when Uther tried to have her executed. Twice." He added, working to keep the disdain out of his voice. He failed. "And I know you're close to her as well. Not to mention, I truly believe you are the reason I became a knight." He added.

"What? I didn't-"

"You and Gwen have both worked to show Arthur the value of common people. If you hadn't... None of us would bear our titles. And if Arthur won't knight you than I would like to at least give you the title of brother." He said, reaching out to place a hand on Merlin's arm. There was a flash of something on his face that Elyan had trouble identifying, but it disappeared before he could give it much thought. Instead, Merlin offered a weak smile.

"I would be a terrible knight."

"Not if you learned to use a sword." Elyan said and squeezed his shoulder. "Though I'm beginning to think you don't need one. Given your perseverance I'm not sure you can be killed." He added lightly and immediately regretted it. Whispers of Lancelot's name echoed in the back of his mind. Luckily, Merlin didn't seem to take it that way because he only chuckled weakly.

"Thank you, Elyan. I'm honored." He said and picked at the end of his tunic. Elyan nodded. "I... I understand he's... Gone." He said slowly and Elyan waited. There was a few seconds where he seemed to struggle with the words before giving a frustrated huff. "It just hurts differently." He decided. "Not more than others I lost necessarily, but... I guess he was my hope for things to get better for me." He said, voice going incredibly quiet with each word. Hm. Part of Elyan wanted to ask what needed to be done to make things better. Surely Arthur, if not the knights themselves, could fix whatever was wrong in his life? Then again, he thought to the nights Lancelot and Merlin had spent whispering by fires and decided it was best not to assume.

"Things are going to get better for you," Elyan said instead. "You are the kind of person that can make things better for yourself and others even without the aid and support of royalty and power. Hope isn't a person anyhow. It every decision we make - knowing it will make a future for us." He said. Merlin nodded, absently tearing at the bread. "Come on. Let's stop Gwaine from killing Arthur." He added. A hint of a smile touched Merlin's lips and he nodded, taking a bite of the bread before throwing the rest to the horses.

"Have we weighed the pros and cons of killing Arthur yet?"

Yeah, Elyan decided, Merlin would be fine.

* * *

Gwen wasn't sure if she was surprised or not to find Merlin here.

"You too, huh?" He asked when the door to Lancelot's room clicked shut behind her. The room was empty. Most of Lancelot's things had been removed long ago but there was still a few remaining pieces of furniture collecting dust. Merlin was laying on the bed, sprawled out as he stared at the ceiling. Gwen grimaced. It had been awhile since the veil... And so much had changed. Arthur was king now for starters. Agravaine roamed the halls. Morgana...Well. Morgana was still in hiding since her last attack.

"Is it strange that I'm grateful?" She asked, joining him on the bed. Merlin laughed.

"I was thinking the same thing."

"I'm a little convinced he would have been like you," Gwen said, tucking her legs under her as she flicked Merlin's leg. "Able to resist the lamia's enchantment, I mean." She explained and Merlin frowned, gnawing at his lip.

"Maybe." He said, though there was doubt in his voice. He propped himself up on his elbows. "I would have lost my mind if he hadn't. It was hard enough with the others." He sighed, running a hand over his face. Gwen grimaced. "They don't remember any of it."

"I'm guessing you don't plan on telling them?" She asked and before he could stop her, reached over to lift his shirt up. Sure enough, the bruises she had suspected were blossomed across his side - spreading in an impressive array of blues and purples. "Merlin."

"It would make them feel bad. Besides, it isn't like they hurt you-"

"Only because you stopped them." Gwen muttered and crossed her arms over her chest. "Arthur-"

"What is Arthur going to do about it, Gwen?" He asked, voice oddly firm despite the gentle tone. He sat up and squeezed her arm. "If you want to, of course, we can, but...Perhaps leave some of the specifics out of it." He added, gesturing to his injuries. Gwen closed her eyes. It felt like something had happened between her and Merlin since Lancelot died. Like something between them died and had only been reignited by yet another tragedy (after another tragedy). Frustration rose at the memory of Merlin's face as he desperately tried to get Arthur to side with him over Agravaine. At Arthur's audacity to consider Gaius a traitor after...

She cut herself off. Now wasn't the time. Instead, she tugged at Merlin's arm, pulling him into a hug.

"Lancelot would be so proud of how well you handled it." She muttered into his shoulder. Merlin gave a small laugh.

"He would have been more impressed by how you chased after her with a sword." He said, pulling away. "Do you still miss him?" He asked. Gwen nodded. Of course, she did... Even if the guilt of it was unbearable. She wasn't sure she was supposed to miss him. Then again, in times like these it was hard not to. "Do you think one day we won't?" He asked.

Gwen couldn't find a way to nod at that. After all, she asked herself the same thing every day.

* * *

"Merlin."

It should have really been more surprising. A dead man shouldn't speak after all...Even if that man wasn't so much a man but a Shade. Still, it was what Merlin had secretly hoped for as he said the spell... Even if for a moment. He looked down at him - words catching in his throat as he thought of all he wanted to say. To tell him he was sorry or demand an explanation or an apology for all the man had put him through. To say how much he missed him or wanted him to stay.

Each word died in throat. It was clear that Lancelot knew. Perhaps he had always known.

Lancelot never had a chance for last words before stepping into the veil. He couldn't afford any given that it would have given Merlin the opportunity to beat him there. He hoped his silence gave him the chance now. Sure enough, Lancelot smiled.

"Thank you."

For once... It felt like enough.


End file.
